absence and confessions

 Hemlo! I just stumbled upon this wretched website today because I want to update a little bit about my life, and there's something else I also want to write about. So, let me introduce myself again, just for the sake of it.

dear my nonexistent reader, it's me Elsa HAHAHA. I've been on this platform for at least a decade. Life has been kind and unkind enough to me. At least since the last time I posted here. Your girl survived studying architecture and now has a bachelor in architecture (hurrah congrats to me) in which likely I won't use SJDJSHDJFHDSJ. But I did have a hard time during my thesis. Before my third hearing, I almost gave up and I almost end myself haha :') funny how harmless thing such as online love compatibility could affect you that much. I was joking when I filled that form up. I wrote, me and my will to live, hoping for some encouragement for me to keep going. And the result was -100% with a caption which said that I should run. Run away now before it's too late. So I kept touching pointy objects for two days, but I didn't injure myself. But I was this close to giving up, and on the third day, I realized I may need some help. Then I went to online counseling, but I didn't say that I wanted to give up on life but on my thesis instead. They really helped me to gain this sense of clarity on how to deal with those problems. It's like you kind of know what they're going to say, but hearing it from an outsider that isn't your friends and family members really helped. During that time, I was surrounded by a lot of friends and I thanked them for what they did for me.

Right now, a year after I graduate, I'm a freelance illustrator. I could say I'm happy at this moment, but I couldn't say I'm really happy and satisfied with my life. I may have achieved small milestones in my life, but not the big ones yet. So, to whomever is reading this, please pray for me. </3

But despite all that, I'm happy to say that my love life within these two birthdays that I had since I graduated, wasn't as dull as it was back then. I have moved on from my past and I met someone new, got dumped, went on a date, ghosted someone, crushing someone and getting crushed. And you could say I'm getting tired right now but I have someone I like. He's the best thing that's ever happened in my life so far. And I'm not ready to lose him yet so, I'm going to fight and try harder. Maybe, one day, there is a day where my feeling is actually requited :"D damn my eyes are actually tearing up writing this sentence HAHA

Okay enough sappy moments. So this morning I saw this 30 days writing challenge but I don't have 30 days to write those things so here I am gonna info dumping here as many as I can. 

1. My Personality

I'm actually a pretty cheerful and funny person. I'm always composed in public and rarely get angry. But the simplest things could annoy me. You could say I was like a true leo. I was extrovert, I loved crowds, I was funny, you literally could say I was the life of the party. But something changed and I got subdued after that event happened. I'm leaning toward my moon and rising sign, cancer, these days. Sometimes I too got confused like, I don't look like my leo friends anymore but I understand each people are different and that's okay. I love listening to people's interests and it excites me so much. I am your greatest supporter, and once you get on my good side, I will be the most loyal person you've ever met.

2. Things that makes me happy

I love good food and dessert. Your happiness is also my happiness. Being loved back could also be nice hehe. Getting recognized and excelling in things I'm actually good at. Art in general. Alone time. Books. Good songs. Getting gift.

3. A memory

When I was in japan for a study exchange, I roommated with my best friend. I'm a heavy sleeper but we need to wake up early to get a good onigiri at the vending machine downstairs. It was still early morning and I don't wanna wake up yet. But she kept waking me up and then she threatened me that if I didn't wake up now we won't get good breakfast. Then automatically I raised from my bed, took my jacket and went downstairs and it left my bestfriend speechless HAHAHHA

4. Places I wanna visit

Iceland, because of eurovision movie. Norwegia, because of frozen.

5. My Parents

My family consists of three people, my dad, my mom, and I. My dad is a man of few words but I knew a lot of ballad and pop rock songs from the 70s-90s from him. I rarely talked with him because I don't know what to talk about. My dad is a sandwich generation, he has to help his parents and his siblings in his younger years. Sometimes I think my dad is too selfless and his own family are the one who gets the impact of it. And that also one of my reason why I don't quite like the family on my dad side. My dad is a hardworking person but he has a soft spot on me. Perks of being an only child I guess HAHA. I'm closer with my mom but sometimes her presence is overbearing. My mom made the best homemade dish. But I love them nonetheless. My mom would also give the best for me, and she is the bridge to my dad. We all are suffering in this household because of one and other things. But this is the only family I get and I will protect and love them in my own ways.

6. My bestfriend

I have few bestfriends but I'm gonna tell just one because she's the longest one. I knew her since second grade in elementary school. I am the overbearing golden retriever puppy to a stoic black cat, my bestfriend. She didn't have a lot of friends back then so I introduced her to all my friends because I didn't want her to feel left out. She's the best partner in crime and we've been together until junior high and we were separated starting from high school. Then she got her own issues and I didn't understand her back then so we stopped talking for a while but eventually we talked again and we got closer and bond over trauma. I actually felt bad for giving her such a cold hearted advice but once I knew and felt what she's been through I ask for her forgiveness, for not knowing how she felt back then. We laughed on the silliest things and she's the the one who ground me when things get hard and vice versa. I am the one with the impulsive things and she's the one who's also on board with me. We would go to the most random place, eat, and have a deep talk discussion on our way home.

7. Someone I miss and a letter for someone

Hi, I know we only just met once, but I want to say thank you for choosing me even just as a friend HAHA :') Thank you for making my life these past two months more meaningful and colorful. You gave me a reason to wake up in the morning and be excited for what tomorrow brings. Thank you for lifting me up when I was down. Thank you for hyping me up and made me realize that maybe I am good at what I do best. I hope I was able to bring you joy over the last two months. I hope you didn't see my presence too overbearing. I'm sorry if I look like I don't care, I really care but I didn't want to be perceive as nosy and I don't want to disturb you. Seeing you thrive always brings me joy, but sometimes it makes me feel sad. How could someone like you, who's already achieved great things in life, still bother to talk to someone like me, a nobody who's still a disappointment to the family? But nevertheless, I'm happy and glad for knowing you. I missed you and if I get the chance to meet you again, I would give you the warmest hugs because I know we both need it HAHHAA I hope you know I won't leave and I will stay by your side if you wish for it.

8. About love and loving someone

I made a short comic about how I perceive love and you can check it on my instagram art acc: @serenadefortwo there! But I'm gonna tell a story on why it was so sad and heartbreaking. The short comic consists of 4 arcs and each arc has 4 panels in it.

You could say I'm a hopeless romantic. I always dreamed having those cute romantic moments with the person I like. My first relationship is with my childhood friend. Most of my old readers must have known who it is, but it's alright, I've moved on. He was my first love and I have liked him since kindergarten. It took me roughly 5 years for him to get to like me. So, being his girlfriend is like I have crossed a list on my bucket list. At first we kept it a secret but then my friends knew about it HAHHA. And it got worse afterward. His mom didn't like my mom, so I told my mom that no, we're not together. Then his classmates didn't like me and then tried to set him up with a senior. I knew he was miserable because his classmates kinda bullied him. Before I broke up, I asked for one of his classmate whether I should break up with him or not. And she said, "if you want to make him happier, you should just break up with him." That time, I learned that the biggest act of love is to let them go. So I broke up with him. I never told him the real reason because I didn't want him to be bullied by his classmate. I sacrificed my own feeling so he could be happier even without me. It was the first time I experienced a real heart break. It's like a lost a boyfriend and a childhood friend at the same time. But I persevere for around three months.

I was hoping to get back with him on the third month, but then I saw twitter and his classmates made a tweet, that my ex and the classmate that told me to break up with him, just got together <//3 It was... one of the cruelest things that ever happened to me. Because when they were together, his classmates were all happy with that and they didn't bully him anymore. So, how could I not be happy for him? :"D

Then I, too, made a congratulation tweet for them hahahaha

Then I knew that his classmates are trying so hard to set them together so he would break up with me. But I made it easier for them hahahhahaha. I don't know.. it doesn't hurt anymore but still it's so bittersweet remembering that event?

Let's say my heart broke again when I was still in high school HAHAHA. It was an online game relationship (I knew I shouldn't have laid my heart bare on it but I did it anyway). He repeatedly cheated on me and was being toxic to me. He would only read my message and made me beg for his attention. He would leave me then flirt with another person. I didn't count it as a real relationship but it did affect me in real life you know :") I'm still struggling with my self-esteem and I always think for the worst case scenario. It took me years for me to fully heal from that. I always say to my friends that I'm okay, but they could see I was so miserable back then. And until now, I'm still carrying that trauma.

Then I got into another unrequited love. I never said it out loud that I liked him, but he must have had realized it from the way I talk and he said "Don't ever imagine for us to be together. That scenario won't ever happen." three times. three. times. in three different situations. So I could only laugh every time he said that and I always replied with, "Of course, why would I want to be with you in the first place, I know that we're best friends." and I cried after that. It's like getting rejected three times when one time is hurtful enough and life decided to give me two more extras HAHAHA rip

Ever since then my love life has been pretty dull and my heart is crippled enough I couldn't stand another heartbreak. And it inspire me to write the comic. For me, it's easy to love someone as long as they would give the same feedback at me. And as a leo, I am a loyal person and I won't leave without a good reason. But those heartbreaking events, made me easier to be insecure because I couldn't risk confessing to someone I like if we won't end up together in the end. So I'd rather suffer and keep it for myself and hoping someday someone would love me back. Every time I'm crushing someone, I always keep in mind that they will leave me sooner or later. And it breaks me to think about it because as someone who's feeling never got reciprocated or has to sacrifice it for greater good, deep down I know that I'm not good enough for them. That's why reassurance is very important for me because it was hard for me to believe it that I am good and lovable for someone else. I would cry about it then after that I prepared my heart for when they truly left me, I wouldn't be as devastated.

But then people would say, of course there would be someone who would stay for you?

No.

There is not.

They all leave me in the end.

9. Favorite tv series

I always loved Voltron: Legendary Defender. I watched it back in 2016 because it was a hit series that time. The first six season was actually pretty good and well written. But the showrunners was so selfish on the seventh and final season. I relate so much to one of the characters, Keith. I think he deserved a better ending than what the showrunners did for him. The last two seasons was actually painful to watch and I could say season six is actually their best season.

10. If I could run away, where would i go?

idk? away from this earth?